The Tracks of My Tiers

Oh, goodness.

I know I said that in this space I would go easy on certain types of communication - namely, I'd avoid taking people to task when they make grammar gaffes in less-formal venues such as Facebook. But this review of a bike on the Walmart website  - well, I just couldn't pass this up:

look out you need to upgarde for better tiers!!!

02/25/2012

[NAME REDACTED]

soutg gate

[ONE STAR]

sorry to say ...i got this bike last year for my birthday on oct. ... and my first 3 week use it ....tiers are not good everthing goes in "in it" gets flats right away....is like the tiers cant stand the road ...my inertubs has about 6 padshes alrady stop using it couple moths ago ....is just a hassle to keep panshing it.....then theres no 29 in intertubs at the store for this bike nor on the computer site !!! want to order better tiers for this bike ... dont get me wrong is nice looking and is big......i might change it for another bike that is 29" inc ..... that can stand the road.!!

All I can say is...wow. And, of course, UPGARDE!

At first, I thought perhaps it was written by a ten year old, but the review self-identifies as 25-34 year old male. Then I thought, maybe they just don't speak English. Yeah, maybe that's it.

i need new inertubs!

They Should Know Better

Of all the people who should know better, you'd think that an academic medical journal would get the "less" and "fewer" thing right.

But, nope:

The suggested running head should be less than 80 characters (including spaces) and should comprise the article title or an abbreviated version thereof. For office purposes, the title page should include...

Found this today in the author guidelines for a medical research paper I am submitting for publication. Guess I'll have to just suck up the pride and submit it to this obviously-mediocre journal anyway. That's my job.

I have no idea where this is, but I SO want to shop here...

Apostrophe Abuse...Almost

It's nothing new. We've seen it dozen's of times. People using apostrophe's to designate plural's. (Yes, that actually hurt me deeply just typing that.)

Today, our usually-awesome company newsletter, which is a very well-produced weekly publication, had a headline that included the word "party's." Ouch. This newsletter is sent out to thousands of people (I work for a very large organization).

But wait! The Grammar Snob may sometimes jump to conclusions...and when he does his job and actually re-reads, he finds that he was wrong. In this case, the headline "Party's set for Jane Doe and June Roe" (names changed here to protect the innocent) is referring to a single open house event. Thus, the "party's" is a contraction of "party is" and is thus perfectly acceptable.

Whew...that was close!

Still, I might have chosen a different way to word the headline, just to avoid giving heart attack's to poor grammar snob's...

P.S. to see some heinous, cringe-inducing real-life example's of apostrophe abuse, go here. (WARNING: may cause grammar snob nausea.)

I sure love's me some party hat's

Accrost? Really?

Here's one with which I am confronted frequently - including today.

People adding a "t" sound to the end of the word "across" when spoken. What is up with that? If you have not noticed this particularly peculiar enunciation aberration, pay attention and you're likely to hear it soon.

And then you won't be able to STOP hearing it.

I have no idea how this vocal quirk came into use, but it drives me bananas. "Accrost" is NOT a word!

But the worst case of it I ever came accrost was when I actually saw it written out - spelled "accrost" - in a Facebook comment a couple of months ago. Now, I know I said I wouldn't pick on social media typos, but this is different. This is someone actually taking their weird verbal tick and transliterating it into the written form.

And that is just bizarre - especially since most people are unaware of the fact that they are adding the "t" sound to "across" in their speech. To add it into their writing indicates awareness of the mispronunciation, but not enough awareness to realize just how wrong it is.

What's even more bizarre? I came accrost this gem on the web, while looking for an image for this blog post:

"I was digging thru a pile of slabs in my lapidary shop , and came accrost another giant slab of very old stock crazy lace agate..... check out the KILLER tiny close banding creating a fantastic paralax shadow effect....."

Never mind the other typos...this has "accrost" spelled out, too! Wow. Just, wow.

Then I did a Google search for "accrost" - and opened up a world of grammatical pain. It's EVERYWHERE (46,800 hits for that spelling alone). *facepalm*

All of this oddness leaves me with one last question: why did the chicken go accrost the road?

Bock, bock! Don't spell out your incorrect pronunciations, please!

School Fools

Okay, this REALLY gets to me...

Our 2nd grader is doing school at home, using the school district's online system. Aside from working at his own pace and having much more flexibility of choice as to which assignments to do in what order, and being able to get much more done in a much shorter time, one thing I really like about it is that I have the opportunity to go into in-depth discussions on various topics with the boy - going off on tangents and sharing knowledge and perspective with him. It's good quality time together. It also gives me the opportunity to correct any misinformation that is taught, or frame the information in the context of our own values.

And the other thing I get to do is nitpick oversee the way the information is presented. I mean, if anyone should be providing grammatically correct material, it should be the school. Kids are sponges, and they absorb and learn to repeat what is taught to them - even when it is incorrect.

Today (yes, that's the other great thing about online school - if for some reason it doesn't get done during the week, you can just do it on Saturday) I found myself intellectually assaulted by two grammar problems in one assignment about animal adaptation:

"What if you were having a snowball fight? You probably run away from the person throwing snowballs at you. You might even sneak up on the other person and attack them by surprise."

See the problem? The first sentence sets up a subjunctive tense, but the next sentence is missing the conditional auxiliary "would." It should have read, "You would probably..." or "You'd probably..." - it's just jarring and inconsistent without the "would." (In the third sentence, "might" serves the purpose of a conditional auxiliary.)

Next, a little later in the same presentation, we have this:

"Elephants have long trunks to eat, drink, clean itself, and pick things up."

This one has two problems, one much more serious than the other. First off, it would've been nice to have a "with which" after the word "trunks." But the part that really grates is the problem with agreement between the noun "elephants" and the pronoun  "itself." "Elephants" is plural, while "iteslf" is singular. It should have read, "themselves."

This isn't rocket science, and the educators should know better. Good thing I was there to save my child from yet another incorrect teaching from his school!

 One elephant, by iteslf.

Two elephants, by themselves.

Not Exactly a Grammar Problem

Okay, a slight departure here, but still relevant to communication quality. This one doesn't make any specific grammar mistakes, but composition-wise, there's a pretty significant problem with the internal logic:

Hello Michael,

Thank you for your patience as we worked to resolve your cover concerns.

Unfortunately, in this instance, we are unable to waive our submission requirements or make adjustments to the cover image. You will need to correct your cover to meet submission requirements and resubmit this title to review. I apologize for any inconvenience this information may cause.

Did I solve your problem? Let us know here: https://www.createspace.com/Special/L/YourFeedback.jsp

Best regards,

Zachary
CreateSpace Member Services

So, to translate:

Hello Michael,

We have chosen to not solve your problem. Did I solve your problem?

Yeah, they really might want to think about reworking that automated part of their emails. All they'd need to do is have two form letters - one for when they're helpful, and one for when they're not.

Yes, I'll include contradictory language in my grammar blog. It's my blog and I can do what I want.

Snobbery-bloggery

Okay, I admit it. I'm a grammar snob. I walk around in my own little self-important grammar bubble, believing that proper grammar is necessary and extremely valuable, and that if you do not use proper grammar, there's something wrong with you. I should, however, caveat that by saying that I do not look down on uneducated people - but I do think that if you know better, or SHOULD know better (because of the type of job you do), then you deserve to be corrected. You practically CRY OUT to be corrected. Now, I won't spend much time here quibbling over the finer points of semi-colon usage, but if you are a communications director or a marketing specialist and you can't differentiate between "less" and "fewer," you are fair game!

So........without further ado.................

Welcome to the Grammar Snob!

Mostly for fun, partly for education, and largely to share the silly writing issues I come across nearly every day, Grammar Snob is dedicated to pointing out written mistakes and poking fun at them.

This really isn't about typos - everybody makes those little mistakes - but more about systemic sentence problems, oft-seen word mistakes, and downright unprofessional written communication. (That doesn't mean I won't include the occasional typo if it's humorous.)

I don't care so much if your Facebook comment is littered with misuses of "your" and "there" (though it does grate on me); I am mostly concerned here with cases where someone who really should know better has made themselves or their organization look bad through careless or uneducated use of English in a more formal setting than some social media rant.

First up: the email received from Adobe customer service today, which is clearly written by a non-native English speaker. While I have nothing against non-native English speakers (my own mother being one of them), I do feel that a company as illustrious as Adobe should be able to manage to communicate to clients in a way that makes them at least APPEAR professional. The example below, presented verbatim, does not qualify:

Thank you for contacting Adobe.

We apologize for the delay in response and appreciate your patience in this regards. Please be informed, your request for complimentary upgrade for Live Cycle Designer ES3 has been denied from our next level team as you havepurchased term licesne for Acrobat XI and this customers do not qualify for the free uograde to Adobe Designer 10.0 . We are only providing free upgrade to those customers who have purchased upgrade license of Acrobat Pro XI . Hence, we regret to inform you that we are　unable to process your request.

However, you contact our Sales department in order to purchase Live Cycle Designer seperately.

Please contact our Sales department at 1800-585-0774.

Thank you,

Adobe Customer Care

Oh, no, thank YOU, Adobe Customer Care! *eyeroll* They must have had that translated by Microsoft Word or something. I count 15 problems. That doesn't instill a whole lot of confidence. Ah, well.

If I have one piece of enduring advice for anyone who writes anything, it is this: please READ IT THROUGH before hitting SEND, POST, or SUBMIT. (Of course, doing so will have the effect of seriously reducing the material available for this blog.)

Okay, maybe NOT so silently...